Apocalypse Wow may just be the worst British TV show of all time

PLEASE forgive any sense of over-indulgence, exaggeration or deja vu that accompanies the following announcement, but I think I may just have watched the worst British television show of all time.

And yes, I know similar claims were probably made about Davina’s chat show, Mark Wright’s Hollywood Nights, Don’t Scare The Hare, Celebrity Wrestling, Diva On Lockdown and the entire Gemma Collins back catalogue.


This is Apocalypse Wow, a sex fetish version of Gladiators, if you please, where the unenviable hosting duties have fallen to stunning AJ Odudu[/caption]

I also know ITV will have probably made this statement redundant within a month.

But this feels different.

This is ITV2’s Apocalypse Wow, a sex fetish version of Gladiators, if you please, where the unenviable hosting duties have fallen to stunning AJ Odudu. 

A blur of whips

Something of a flavour of the month, this girl, AJ belongs to the “single-hand-on-hip” school of television presenting but also has an abundance of enthusiasm and made an honest enough start to proceedings with her opening announcement.

“You are not dreaming, people. This is an actual show on your actual telly.” Which it actually is.

From that moment onwards, though, poor AJ was lost trying to explain the format and make herself heard above the din coming from some monstrous great bat called “The Mistress”, who’s there, I think, to reinforce the show’s BDSM credentials.

To this end, Apocalypse Wow doesn’t have Gladiators, it has “Superhuman Bosses”, with sex aids and suggestive names like “Master Enormo” and “Mister Whippy”, competing against five celebrity challengers who arrived at the show’s “Torture Dome” to chants of “Who are ya? Who are ya?”

 Which was a bit harsh on Kimberly Wyatt, of The Pussycat Dolls, but fair enough given the rest of the team comprised Scarlett Moffatt, Towie’s Bobby Cole Norris, comedian Darren Harriott and Chris Hughes from Love Island III.

The Mistress also seemed to be in charge of a referee in a gimp mask and had a game-starting catchphrase that should be written in blood above the entrance door to ITV2.

“DON’T. BE. S**T.”

Aah, if only, if only, if only . . . 

It’s the soundest advice she’ll ever bark, but it clearly went unheeded by the production team, as the opening three games passed in a blur of whips, incomprehension and bellowed instructions which never came close to letting viewers into the secret of what the hell was going on.

Someone won, someone lost and someone else shouted: “Kimberly. Out of your mouth and in your minge.”


Apocalypse Wow doesn’t have Gladiators, it has ‘Superhuman Bosses’, with sex aids and suggestive names like ‘Master Enormo’ and ‘Mister Whippy’[/caption]

By the fourth game, though, I became all too aware I was watching a bearded character called “Hot Slippy Jesus”, who had to wrestle the five minor celebrities out of a paddling pool full of lube in under four minutes.

He succeeded, obviously, and got a mouthful of Kimberly’s nether regions for his trouble.

 The worst of his treatment, though, was dished out to Bobby Cole Norris, who landed head first, fortunately, which seemed to restore a sense of perspective.

“I’m feeling very disillusioned with it all,” said Bobby, sadly, as he was put in the recovery position by AJ.

 He looked it as well, though it was nothing compared to the disillusionment of Kimberly, who’s got a Grammy nomination, a platinum disc and now this piece of crap sitting in her IMDB file. It leaves her with some explaining to do, obviously, though not nearly as much as ITV executives, who have only one reasonable excuse for the existence of Apocalypse Wow.

It’s a loss-leader and there to elevate the status of the network’s marquee show Love Island, which suddenly looks like The Ascent Of Man compared to the mess that follows, on Friday night.

I don’t buy it, of course.

Everything about ITV recently, from the lame dramas (Viewpoint, Professor   T), to the woke mishandling of the GMB crisis and the lazy light entertainment formats, such as Cooking With The Stars and The Masked Dancer, suggest this is a network that’s lost respect for its audience who deserve to be entertained by its programmes, not insulted by aberrations like Apocalypse Wow.

An actual show on your actual telly. Wow indeed.

Bap has a weird flavour

JURGEN KLOPP and Norman Wisdom’s secret love child, Baptiste, is back on BBC1, leaving the usual trail of death and carnage in his wake.


Jurgen Klopp and Norman Wisdom’s secret love child, Baptiste, is back on BBC1[/caption]

How he ever became Europe’s go-to man for missing kids remains the biggest mystery of this new series, because you seriously wonder what the continent’s other freelance child-catchers are like if this curmudgeonly old sod’s the market leader.

Foreign police forces and Interpol, however, continue to fawn in his presence, so he’s taken himself off to Hungary, where the British ambassador, neatly played by Fiona Shaw, has lost her two pain- in-the-ar*e kids and a bird-watching husband somewhere in the mountains north of Budapest.

“Result,” you’d think.

 But no, she’s properly distraught at this turn of events and remarkably open to the idea of Baptiste just sort of showing up and co-opting himself on to the case.

Sure enough, the husband’s corpse turns up minutes later and Fiona ends up in a wheelchair, but still manages to capture the chief suspect and drive him to Paris (in a cage), while Baptiste offers nothing much more than Scooby-Dooish warnings: “No good can come of this.”

Far-fetched and unlikely doesn’t begin to cover events.

The really annoying thing about Baptiste, though, is that for all its faults, the storyline and acting give you just enough encouragement to watch the next episode. 

So I did, courtesy of the BBC iPlayer, where I quickly discovered the rest of the series descends into the worst kind of brow-beating, politically correct BBC cliche imaginable.

Get out now. Get out while you still can.

Mystic Veg…

ANOTHER triumph   from This Morning’s   favourite psychic, Jemima   Packington (AKA Mystic Veg),   who made this bold June prediction, in the Daily Star, after throwing some asparagus and checking its landing patterns: “The Three Lions won’t have it easy. But, ultimately, they will be champions of the competition. A certain Mr  Southgate is going to be over    the moon his team is     bringing it home.”


Unexpected morons in the bagging area


Bradley Walsh has a difficult skin condition to deal with on The Chase[/caption]

 TIPPING POINT, Ben Shephard: “One of the largest fountains in the world, the Jet d’Eau, is found in which Swiss city?”

Charlotte: “Austria.”

Ben Shephard: “When doing a full press-up, the palm of which part of the body should be in contact with the floor?”

Dave: “Pass.”

The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “The name of what common skin condition also means hasty?”

Alicia: “Acne.”

And my favourite quiz show answer of the week. 

The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “What fashion house shares a name with a silent film star who died in 1926?”

Lisa: “Chaplin.”

Random TV irritations

THE moving documentary that got lost somewhere among all of Uprising’s political point-scoring and the BBC’s endless festival of self-loathing.

 Fast Food Face-Off flump Josh Jones instantly becoming television’s most annoying man.

 And whichever ITV2 doughnut thought it was a good idea to call Apocalypse Wow’s lube wrestler “Hot Slippy Jesus”.

 Because television networks never stop telling us just how much they respect all races and religions.

 But, let’s be honest here, they don’t actually mean Christianity, do they.

Funny Olympic names


Indian judo competitor Shushila Likmabam, which is just a vowel away from getting her disqualified if she tries that move in competition[/caption]

Funny Olympic names. The whole field was nearly blown away by Indian judo competitor Shushila Likmabam, which is just a vowel away from getting her disqualified if she tries that move in competition. 

Instead we must look out for Annie Kunz (US heptathlon), Dong Dong, the Chinese trampolinist and Lukas Wank, who is point guard in the German basketball team. 

The stand-out name of the Games (as well as half the showbars in Thailand), though, is most definitely a ping-pong player from Togo, Kokou Dodji Fanny. Good luck to all the commentators.

Great TV lies and delusions of the week.

Weekend Best, Martin Kemp to AJ Odudu: “Let’s talk about Apocalypse Wow. It sounds fantastic.”

Love Island, Danny: “I want someone very similar to me. Quick witted.”

Celebrity Gogglebox, High Priestess Of Woke Clare Balding on England’s penalty takers: “They didn’t miss, they didn’t fail. They just didn’t score.”

Yeah, that’s England all right, Clare. They didn’t lose. 

They just successfully avoided winning.

Lookalike of the week

Holly Willoughby and Momblank from 3Below: Tales Of Arcadia

THIS week’s winner is Holly Willoughby and Momblank from 3Below: Tales Of Arcadia. Emailed in by RJ. 

Picture research: Amy Reading

Great sporting insights

 EAMON DUNPHY: “England only had three attackers on the pitch in Kane and Sterling.”

Clive Tyldesley: “We haven’t seen any comebacks in the tournament. Wales, of course, came back to draw.” 

Paul Merson: “Kane’s always kept his feet grounded on the ground.” 

(Compiled by Graham Wray)

TV Gold


Jeff Bezos becoming the first man to enter space on board an Ann Summers battery-powered Elation Wand[/caption]

CHANNEL 4’s absorbing documentary Taken: Hunting The Sex Traffickers. Wild China With Ray Mears, on ITV.

 The truly awe-inspiring sight of Jeff Bezos becoming the first man to enter space on board an Ann Summers battery-powered Elation Wand.

 And the admirably UN-PC games and challenges which are the saving-grace of a pretty dreadful Love Island series, even though we’re not exactly talking The Krypton Factor here: “The boys have hidden mystery objects down their pants and the girls have to guess what it is.”

 Bzzzzz. Their brains?

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